Captain's Log. Stardate 57443.09

Soft chanting: Bike Heist. Bike Heist. Bike Heist.

Hello friends. Today I bring you a tale of theft, woe, fury, comradery, and victory.

To begin, some context. This is my bike. Her name is Andromache of Scythia (formerly Jolene). She is a full carbon, 15lb beaut. Originally, she was a custom bike for my tiny mama when she was doing triathlons. When Mama retired from triathlon-ing, she was gifted and refit to me, and I have been devoted to her ever since. She is the best bike in the world (an unbiased assessment).

Some additional context: Because I most often use her as a commuter, she has been retrofitted with blasphemous flat pedals rather than clip-ins. She is probably the only bike of her kind (and price range) with stupid ass pedals like this. 1000 apologies, Andromache. My beloved husband also borrowed her one day and dropped her, slightly damaging one handlebar + shifter which later caused the cap on the shifter to fall off. I keep the cap in my desk drawer.

Ok, the context is complete. Storytime:

Two days after our move to Denver, we awoke to find our garage had been broken into and my bike was gone. I was pretty devastated, to say the least.

On a whim, I checked Facebook Marketplace for any bikes posted in the last 24 hours. Surely the thief wouldn’t be that stupid, I thought. Surely not.

Oh, but he was.

Aside from the distinct paint job, the broken shifter cap and stupid ass pedals assured me this was my bike. My devastation turned to fury. I immediately messaged him pretending to be an interested buyer. I asked several questions so he didn’t get suspicious, which he made up BS answers to. We arranged to meet at the Safeway.

Also, because I’m me, I did some internet sleuthing. Turns out his FB profile name was his real name (very intelligent thief, this man). So I was able to find his arrest record. 

At this point, I called the police. A. the arrest record paired with the fact that he mentioned owning firearms was concerning. B. His FB marketplace was full of tools, tool batteries, and bikes—so I imagine he’s been breaking into other folks’ garages pretty regularly.

Did the police have an interest in assisting me, now that I’d gift-wrapped a thief for them? They did not. I wasn’t exactly surprised. So, I called reliable backup: climber friends.

Within an hour, I had three guys (plus B, of course) ready to meet at the rendezvous point.

We didn’t want the thief to recognize our car, so our friend G picked me up in his truck and we used it as the meeting vehicle, while B parked in our car a dozen yards away. Our other friends also arrived early and parked around us. And then we waited.

When Thief showed up, I asked about the bent handlebar and the missing shifter cap. He couldn’t remember what happened to it, oddly. (I had the shifter cap in my pocket just in case the police did decide to show up so I could prove the bike was mine). But he encouraged me to take it for a test drive. I accepted. 

And then… I rode away.

B followed me in our car and when I stopped a couple of blocks down, we loaded my bike into the back with much rejoicing and then returned to the Safeway to see how the boys were faring.

By then, the thief had already skedaddled. The guys told me as soon as I left the parking lot, they all got out of their cars and told him that they knew it was stolen, it was my bike, and he was never to set foot on my property again.

He agreed, apologized, and booked it.

We had a nice little parking lot chat for a bit and then dispersed. 

While it was a harrowing few hours, and I’m still concerned about the fact that a guy with firearms knows where I live and may have a vendetta against me now, it emphasized that we have an awesome community of friends here in Denver who were willing to drop their weekend plans at a moment’s notice to help us with what was a potentially dangerous situation.

(Also, at a Christmas party the following night, attended by the entire Bike Heist crew and their families, one of the guy’s wives came up to me and thanked me for including him, saying he had so much fun. Like I’d set up a playdate for him and his friends. 😂So apparently it was an enriching experience for everyone.)

And so ends the story of Bike Heist Weekend.

Since then, Andromache lived in the house while we added additional garage security/locks/alarms and installed cameras. She’s been back in the garage for a week now with those additional security measures and so far so good.

I’ll see you next week with a post about our reception, and then we’ll be back to standard writing/general life updates for the foreseeable future. Love y’all! Stay warm!